Welcome to the INAUGURAL Beehiiv post. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This involved a mopey support email bearing my pile of subscribers (shout out to you! the chosen!) saying, how on earth would you think I need 10k imports? In any case, if you’re here, appreciate you! There are bugs, but I’m working on it.

Warning: here’s some snarky bike nonsense. Please stay subscribed? I’ve been musing vaguely on this for a while and praxis, or whatever. It’s dumb, but still 2489 words of dumb!

February is… you know. For real: keep doing anything for a ceasefire. And, well, sometimes you tell yourself you’re gonna keep on trucking but now there’s a big hole in the truck so you’re trying to patch it but it involves a lot of weird, diminishing strength so you are the embodiment of Resting Tired Face. The best approximation is from Jess Zimmerman’s A Guide To Eating Very Particular Feelings, once published on The Hairpin:

This is my first image heavy” listicle” type post, and I’m overwhelmed! Anyway, see ya at the Bike Swap?* I don’t think they can fit the Polo Kids in the Ramova, but God knows I’d love to see them try.

_{*there’s no footnotes in Beehiiv I guess so, probably that makes my writing better except now for asterices, and “see ya” means, IDK, also sounds exhausting.}

The Hater’s Guide to Winter Cycling

^{(inspired by Defector, nee Deadspin’s “The Hater’s Guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog” by Drew Magary)}

In the year of our Lord 2010 I began my ambivalent entry into the world of “winter commuting”. I was bored earlier that spring and had time to kill on the weekends so I began aimlessly biking around on my beloved blue Schwinn Varsity Single Speed conversion. Eventually I realized I could bike to work, downtown from Pilsen in a very chill journey. I am VERY cheap, so when cold came a-calling, I just kept at it. It was the year of the Polar Vortex or Snowpocalypse or maybe both, so sometimes I took the Pink Line.

I very much enjoy biking in the winter. I like the feeling of being kind of alone, the quieter streets. I like observing, which looks different in Chicago in the winter. I like feeling like Ramona Flowers flying through Toronto winter on rollerblades, except I am on a bike.

Yet as of recent years, I DO NOT LIKE the cottage industry, discourse, social-media nonsense, BUY EVERYTHING advice about WINTER CYCLING! I hate it! Thus… the Hater’s Guide.

If you need some cred or proof, there somehow is still a link to a Red Eye article about winter cycling where yours truly was quoted in the year of our lord, 2012. Without further ado… come at me bro.

HATER ITEM #1: STUDDED TYRES

God loves a tyre. A Trainspotting (book) joke actually does not include studded tyres. Sorry.

I was damn near a decade into riding my bike all year round when I learned about studded tires. I was perplexed. As we reached the end of the tens, these tires proliferated. I had moved to Minnesota where they approach snow clearing differently (less salt, which is good because salt is bad for lol lakes). There’s a whole lot of sketch pavement that may or may not be ice. Still, I no longer live there, and the sham of selling people on studded tires in and around Chicago is so damn annoying.

Nobody needs this and people hate fixing a damn flat, much less swapping out PITA clinchy-tires when they just maybe want to try winter commuting. You don’t need these! You for real do not! And if it’s so sketch you think pushpin heads are going to snaggletooth their way through the nightmare of freeze-thaw sleet and snow, please god just take a bus. People commute and deliver sandwiches on skinnies. Stop pretending these are necessary! If you were a shmuck that bought them and then realized, aw fuck, I don’t want these either, balls up and stop perpetuating these studded lies!!! If you want to go on the Red Bull LOL website to learn to make your own, god bless you.

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: Whatever tire is on the bike you want to keep riding. Alternatively, bike share.

HATER ITEM #2: BAR MITTS / POGIES

Another sneak attack from weird “let’s make everything just slightly more inaccessible via gear” mindsets and/or riding when it’s cold fearmongering. I saw “pogies” (what a word) pretty often in the slim time I lived in the Great White North. Yeah okay, if local legend Prince is singing “Sometimes it Snows in April”, then I guess do you, 45th parallel people.

I’ve now been back here at this lower latitude for a few years and the amount of these things I have seen installed on regular-ass bikes has exploded My God, you have to install them. I guess if you have N+1 bikes, none of this matters. My hunch though is this is not true for some of these intrepid commuting buckaroos! You know what’s awesome? When you’re riding in general, during winter with hazards you may not know about? Defensive riding where it’s nice to be able to shift or brake or adjust your hands, arms, or stance! You know what makes it hard to defensively ride or commute? KoOzIeS For YOUr haNds!!!!

Maybe if you’re beep-booping shifting none of this matters because at this point SRAM has probably started Neura-linking every dentist or developer’s brain directly to the bikebots, or everyone will just start Zwift-goggle-eye-bleeding indoors. But I know this has trickled down because I can see the Amazon and Wal-Mart versions and people trying to get rid of them on Chicago Bike Trader. The only way you escape the hater ruling is if you are: someone with nerve damage/Reynaud’s OR if you are a bike messenger. Honestly, generally if you’re about that #messlife, you do whatever the hell you want.

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: Do you own normal winter gloves? Those work fine. Once you get going a mile or ten minutes in on whatever commute you are doing, you will be fine. Get cheap shitty ones you won’t mind losing. Honorable mention for haterade is Lobster Claws. Awful.

HATER ITEM #3: CYCLING SUNGLASSES / GOGGLES (Smith, Goodr, Pit Viper, whatever)

Yes, this UIS a theme: it’s called do you already own some normal clothes/accessories that didn’t cost your 401k to own? Let’s add a little insouciant realtalk to that.

I recently took my pops to REI, who I’m not thrilled about using this boom-bust bullshit to lay people off but I got nowhere else to go for climbing shit or iodine tablets. He was curious about some sunnies. Lo, before us, was the locked glass case of Smiths and Pit Vipers and Oakleys. TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS? he yelled, also because he’s low-key deaf due to the USAF. I shrugged.

I love sunnies. I wear them/clear glasses in winter because my eyes water in an extremely conspicuous way that I cannot control (probably because my heart is dead and I don’t cry, jk jk I cry all the time). It’s hard to ride when you’re dripping everywhere because the wind makes it worse. I get it. Shoot, I’m barely going all of seven miles an hour. But sunnies are also the EASIEST thing to lose, break, or fuck up. That’s why collecting them from Goodwill or lost and founds or SWAG booths is the move. Because losing $200 of POGIES or STUDDED tires probably means your bike got stolen. Missing ugly glasses to the tune of $200 means I went to the grocery store for a mid-ride snack or I dropped them.

They’re also so fucking dumb looking, y’all. They’re dumb on the slopes, they’re dumb with an IPA at the trailhead, they’re so dumb. Someone paid hundos for this privilege of me being able to croon nerrrrrrrd when I see their silly Starship Troopers visage. Snag used Wayfarers or Aviators literally anywhere. If it was good enough for the Mercury Missions, it’s good enough for you.

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: Any free/cheap/normal sunglasses, especially if they’re made of plastic. I’ll also make an exception for steampunk / aviator goggles. Good enough for Amelia Earheart, and that’s dope.

HATER ITEM #4: VESTS/SHELLS/ARM WARMERS

Dunking on Rapha is so…. well, we can always dunk on Rapha. Honestly if it wasn’t ye olde Walton clothier, it could be any of them. All of them.

But Carmen! There are photos of you in Chrome shell and base layer? Damn straight. I miss those items every day. I bought them in 2012 and it would’ve lasted until 2018 except: I put the shell in the dryer, and that was NOT the move. I wore my Pasha merino hoodie thing with the sick, extended butt tail that meant I could ignore fenders until it was too holey to mend. They don’t make them anymore. I go on Ebay every once in a while to look. I miss you Chrome.

Look, I know I should follow the thesis of: if you want to wear it and it makes you feel good, do it. So sure, if you drop that cash because it’s for you, go for it. As the theme of this essay goes though, you sure as hell don’t need this stuff, that once again will cost you many, many dollars. When I started riding in winter, I just…. wore what I would wear to work anyway. Sometimes that was winter boots, sometimes it was my knee-high/thigh-high. It ALWAYS included some simple base layers: leggings/tights/long underwear, maybe a couple pairs of socks, and under-shirts. Back then they were cotton Hanes tanks (again, because I owned them) but these days, if I’m not wearing a binder, a synthetic blend tank works fine. Hot Tip: Fleecey Binders rule.

As for arm warmers, the scam level is TBD. If you have thick or fleshy upper arms, they don’t fit in any of the right places. They bunch up and also are easy to lose. Make a shrug from some worn out tights. Snip open kneehigh socks as a DIY. Again, layers will serve you on your chill winter cycling. They come off, they go on. Which is a lot easier to do when you’re not shoving your hands into Bike Koozies. Zip up hoodies work. Cardigans work. Normal winter coats will work. Hot tip: if any working class person on a bike is wearing it, it’s works. Weirded out by upholding the number one bike commuting population as determined by the ACS (Latino men, aka immigrants), then think: Does This Dutch? Which leads me to….

HATER ITEM #4A: ANYTHING LIKE THAT BRANDED BY RACIST WHITE LADIES

Hey, are you paying some dumb amount of money for some ugly ass reflective merch that comes from the same continental Asian factory, shipped across the ocean, and shoved into warehouses and giant trucks like every thing else? I think you know what I think you should do. But hey, if you don’t, I know I have zero interest in talking to you, which is convenient!

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: Costco or a Bin Store. Go buy some of those 32 degree packs from Costco (buy two, donate them somewhere else). Throw them under your pants. Warm Socks. I also use a “winter/fall” jacket/shell I also bought at Costco! In 2019? It has vents and pockets. I spray it with silicone spray. It is fine. If it’s super cold I wear a Superdry track jacket I have owned since 2016, but it’s going to be on its last legs, and I’m sad because Superdry has moved on from moto-mod culture into skiing vibes, and that’s the devil’s activity. It WAS expensive, but it is synthetic, warm, and has a back pocket. I wear it like a normal perosn.

HATER ITEM #5: BITCHING ABOUT SNOW IN PBLS AND TAKING PHOTOS OF IT

Look, it’s related to 4A! I’d google “photo of a bike cop” but you get the joke. At this point in my life I give so few fucks about bike lanes. Partially it is obviously a reaction to what I view as very odd, not-actually-oppressed-but-a-victim rhetoric, but also? Yeah man, I just care about sidewalks, or the Red Line extension, and if everyone’s going to be screeching about bike lanes, I guess I’m gonna swing to the other stuff. I hate it.

But here’s the deal: you wanted PBLs? You got em. Is there snow in them? Probably. There’s no damn money anywhere and meanwhile people in wheelchairs, children, the elderly (you know, the actual vulnerable infrastructure users) are trying to not die when they can’t use a sidewalk in their underserved neighborhoods. Props to people advocating for better shoveling. Props to people who show up for that. Maybe people who love snapping shots could bring their own shovel. I bet they can try and balance it on their pogies.

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: If you don’t know how to ride around things in your way defensively, I am going to assume you are a child, and thus, please just ride on the sidewalk, very, very carefully.

HATER ITEM #6: 90’S MOUNTAIN BIKES YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE A BEATER THAT SOMEONE HAS NOW INVESTED THOUSANDS INTO WITH DROPPER POSTS AND TUBELESS TIRES

I actually like having a beater - I miss you, Schwinn. But at some point they’re just good to have as a bike. It’s not a bad idea, especially if you’re someone exploring what you may like to do on a bike (travel? race? #messlife? possibilities abound.)

So it sucks that lately people seem to be snatching up these steel frames only to throw one zillion dollars into, which defeats the purpose. Less Hardrocks and Antelopes for the rest of the broke of us, I guess. But here’s hoping thieves spy that Velo Orange logo and steal their ridiculous project, not yours.

The Hater’s Guide Alternative: Reparations. A tax paid to advocacy orgs or youth programs when you put a dropper on a Stumpjumper. JK. But not really.

Damn, Carmen, that was cold. Well, winter is cold, too. And my hate keeps me warm. Just like Costco. Stay safe out there, homies.

Thanks for indulging me. If this bugged you, well, I’m hoping to avoid writing about bike stuff until it feels less annoying. So we’ll be back to the womp-womp feels posts later, in fact, very soon! Or advice! You can always ask advice. I’m way nicer when I’m giving advice.