ASK SOMEBODY: How many to tango? (N S F W)

hola hola,

two newsletter week! hot damn. I’m literally so here to be the dumbest advice columnist, and i thank people who send me things! i have worked in a job for ONE MONTH and have been pondering this as long while biking or commuting or spreadsheeting. and like, okay, this is where I’m at. I won’t lie: I wish this was more poetic or creative or formulative, but I’m happy its here.

THAT BEING SAID

don’t read this if sex is not what you want. or kink. or bdsm. just don’t do it! like, that’s your choice. I wouldn’t say this is too CONTENT WARNING but seriously! I am actually honored and happy to write sex / pleasure / whatever answers, because I took that shit very seriously when I was younger and I still very much believe if we had less fucking shame, that would be good and maybe we would not be so miserable! that being said: I definitely am also someone who subscribes to the weird High Fidelity / Hank Williams notion of privacy and behind closed doors. my business is mine. I’m not here for you to gawk, don’t read this if it upsets you, but otherwise? i hope, well. less harm in this world would be great. THIS COLUMN IS ABOUT SEX SO DON’T READ IF YOU ARE EVEN A LITTLE NOT INTO IT. great. now you’re not my problem anymore. vamonos.

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So, what’s up?

How does one do group sex? (FFM)

-Inexperienced Hedonist

First, okay, inexperienced. Let’s take a minute: don’t discount yourself. People who like to be king of the sex or kink or weirdo castle are often people to be distrusted. Hedonsim is a great way to be in the world. Whatever you believe you may lack in experience, hold onto hedonism. We need that these days. That being said, I’m about to approach this in annoying ~creativeish~ way with whatever the former sex-educator, harm reduction, pro-pleasure writer I can do.

Choose Your Own ADVENTURE

Do you want to have group sex?

If no, say no. Seriously. Stop thinking about it. Fantasize about it, but if you don’t want to do it? Don’t do this. If you’re a maybe? Fucking talk about it! Or explore it in fantasy with your partners or yourself. Maybe try some stuff. You may be a yes.

If yes, let’s go.

Do you identify as a cis straight dude daydreaming one day this will happen to you like pornography? I don’t know man, go read a book. Learn about non-monogamy. Learn about your interests. Learn about sexuality. Dream big, I guess, but you probably have to unlearn a lot of shit. And if your partner or partners, you may know, are interested - be good about this shit. Be enthusiastic and kind and step the fuck back. If the notion of doing anything that might not ensure you’re a heterosexual dude makes you feel weird, don’t put that on other people, because they don’t deserve it. This honestly does not have to be some big determination.

If you’re a couple looking for a unicorn? For fuck’s sake, buy someone dinner and host them, they owe you nothing. Don’t be a jackass. If neither of you are interested in queer dynamics, that’s fine. But don’t be surprised if a queer person is uninterested in deep dynamics or negotiating with you. Everyone is allowed NSA or anonymous or casual encounters. Nobody is required to be your sex worker. Figure out what you want, and don’t ask for more.

Leading to? Don’t be a SWERF! Want to have a threesome in a certain dynamic and feeling like you’re owed someone to do this? Nope. Hire a sex worker. Figure that shit out on your own. Sex workers are fucking rad and deserve respect and money. Feel shame? I don’t know, man. Don’t go looking for cool queer, group sex. People probably shouldn’t play with you.

So? do you want to have a threesome with the gender dynamics you describe (FFM)? If no, again, let’s think and stop.

I’m a genderqueer queer (bisexual after all these years, baby!). The notions of group sex or threesomes are both specific and relatively ambiguous to me. If you’re someone who wants to experience mostly group sex, this seems like a great opportunity.

If you’re someone who has some pretty strong preferences re: gender representation, well. Okay. There’s a lot of popular and pornographic ideation of two girls, one dick, and like, I don’t think that has to be cis-dick! But if that’s not what you want? Let’s take some time to think about group sex, yes? Because people aren’t your own personal porn stars. You can pay people. Return to: DON’T BE A SWERF!

Did the people in a scenario, whether they be F, F, or M partners, excitedly encourage or make a FFM threesome happen? Are you interested? For fuck’s sake, just go for it.

Like if you are not the person cajoling someone into having group sex, if your partner, if your partners want to do this, and you want to do it? Jesus Christ. Let go of that shame. This shit is not going to make or break your life. Do it. It’ll realistically be a blip and over before you know it. Like a fun blip, but y’all. Come on. Let’s be a little more expansive.

I’m quite serious. I’m just not the person who believes pleasure, which I put “sex” into, necessarily needs to involve genitals. So, maybe we’ve done (seriously, barf) “cuddle puddles”. Or, there’s plenty of play or BDSM parties involving multiple people enjoying themselves that don’t involve penetration into orifices. What I’m trying to get at is when we think about group sex, what does that mean?

Because maybe you have people in your life you want to be around and feel adjacent to sexual around, and that involves touch, or kink or power dynamics. Does that count as a “threesome”? I don’t know. Sounds nice, though.

Do you want to enjoy yourself in this specific FFM thing? Is there an F and an F and an M you like, and one of them is you? Do you all want to do this? I don’t know, pal. I think you should probably just hang out and talk about what you want to do.

Here’s the truth, though: if you DO NOT want this, F, or F, or M - if you don’t want this with one or both of your partners, if you don’t want this for YOU, if this is in the realm of fantasy and you feel shame, if you are happy with the pornographic notion, just don’t do it. Please don’t. Don’t do that to other people.

The thing is though? Probably just go for it. Doing things with multiple people, in various iterations of intimacy (by the way, for this newsletter, or anything I write means I’m wildly uninterested in essentializing sexuality or pleasure with regards to genitals or penetration, so, whatever, might not be for you!) I think lets us grow and learn more! I don’t think sex is just, well, come on. I don’t want to describe this essentialist shit. And certainly pleasure is not what the world determines as sex. I approach most things through a kink, leather, or BDSM praxis. Your mileage may vary.

How do you do it? God, maybe talk to each other. Ensure you find pleasure in something. Touch. Flirting. Dynamics. Negotiation. Trust. Do it on your terms, do it on negotiated terms. Go do it anonymously. Don’t define it as “sex” as you were taught. Have fun. Do you want this? Do your partners want it? Fucking try it!

We live in such a shitty, harsh, world. To find a bit of touch and pleasure and chosen roles we can bring our whole selves to is such a gift. Just start there. Go to the party, the space, the bar - see how it feels. It probably isn’t going to be like pornography tells you, or your fantasy. Nothing is. But it’s probably going to be something. Not something that makes you a total outlier. It’s 2024. We’ve lived through a lot of shit, kids.

And, god, IDK, watch Y Tu Mama Tambien or The Dreamers or many episodes of old Queer as Folk or The L Word or new Queer as Folk or new The L Word. Read books. Don’t take shit too seriously. This can be what you want it to be. And the more we make it chill, it both remains queer and something approachable.

FINALLY: I don’t care if you know or love anyone, test, use protection, negotiate your boundaries, clean your toys, discuss after-care, stay hydrated, and T E S T. We’re in a MPOX and terrible health care world. This isn’t about shame. This is about keeping each other safe.

But please do not do it, if you don’t want to.

And if you do? Co-signed, for fuck’s sake, just do it. I believe in you.

xoxo, your former SESA (sex educator sales associate good vibes Berkeley 2006)
caiken

confidential to noone: welp, I don’t know! I thought I could make this more creative but turns out? I just want more advice questions. anyway, listening to old school Metric. send me your questions. or don’t. we’ll be back soon.