Am I cheating myself out of happiness? ADVICE #3

Hi folks! Another advice letter. Thanks to the letter writer for your patience! We’re still looking to help you out, and nobody so far has any issues with soup which, given the day and age, is a real relief. Ask anonymous anythings HERE! Oh, and you get another sunglasses photo, h/t the Hairpin.

So what's up?

My partner cheated on me a few years ago. A lot. Casually and with recurring partners. This came to light when they had to inform me they contracted an STI. While it hurt, I listened to them, understood their explanation, and believed and accepted their apology. We  are still together. By and large, I'm over it, but on occasion, I go down a rabbit hole and dwell on things. I've also noticed some of the behaviors and patterns that I associate with them cheating on me reemerging...or at least I think I do. I'm having trouble distinguishing what is real and what is me overthinking things because I am in a vulnerable state. I do trust them. I believe when they tell me who they're with and what their doing. I fear that questioning them about it, in addition to just being very outside my personality, would shatter their belief in me trusting them. Moreover, I've expressed that the worst part of the whole situation was the lying and deceit. I can accept them wanting or needing something sexual that I'm unable to provide, but that doesn't need to be acquired behind my back. I dread being lied to again more than anything. At the same time, though, my negative feelings and reactions are what they are. I can't stop them even though I don't think they're correct. I suppose I don't have a particular question I need answered, as much as I need to put these words down in a safe place to clear them from my brain, and possibly hear someone else's opinion on the matter. I don't want to be hurt or upset, but I also don't want to hurt or upset my partner.

Ay.

Oh darlin’. I’m not really a great hugger, but if it was something that would help and you were talking to me about this on a walk or at the bar or on the breakwaters, I would give you a good hug. I’m really sorry. This sucks and it sounds like you have taken on a ton that is super painful. I don’t want you to be hurt or upset EITHER. 

Why wouldn’t you fall down a rabbit hole! The pattern of deceit you describe sounds super harmful and like it would screw with anyone’s sense of trust, self-esteem, or sense of reality. I myself have a mercurial relationship to honesty, from time to time, but if there’s anything I hate, it is distorting someone’s reality. How are you supposed to know what’s safe? Or that what you are accepting or having in your life is what you WERE TOLD IT WOULD BE? That’s like having a dog together but the whole time it’s an iguana in a onesie hidden just out of sight.

Maybe what I’m saying is this doesn’t come down to trust as much as: their reality never changed throughout the actions of cheating, but they fundamentally altered yours. Of course you question and overthink things! Who wouldn’t? I would dwell on that for a long time. 

I don’t know if you’ve moved out of exclusivity, but even if you are non-monogamous with your partner, it seems like you could have total upfront honesty about other partners, and you still might never feel on solid ground or if that were “the truth”. the basic deception and harm done by “cheating” also occurs in “non-monogamy” even if it isn’t cheating. Labels, what are they? Some people sail by cheating in their partnerships because it doesn’t hurt too much to them or matter to them or their life is built like that. It really sounds like yours, however, was not.

There is no shame in contracting or having an STI (hi! been there! it happens!). But your partner WAS wildly irresponsible for not using protection in sexual activities ESPECIALLY with multiple partners. Bad, no, stop, knock it the hell off. So I, *Carmen* don’t especially care about hurting or upsetting your partner like you do because, although I don’t like shame as a motivator, that’s shitty behavior and they should feel bad about putting multiple people at risk and, in general, BE SAFE OUT THERE. 

I’m really glad you wrote to me, friend. You aren’t crazy and you are looking at the facts and feelings and acknowledging them. Give yourself some space - away from your partner! - to feel and think through them. You could decide all kinds of things, but your truth and knowing what you are stepping toward or away from, will be the start of restoring your equilibrium, painful although it may be in all the ways. Final thought? When you write telling me you’re noticing patterns and behavior? Listen to your gut. It’s not wrong. This is how you remember to trust yourself.